What's hidden inside?
by Irime
Summary: What if... What if Max isn't really always-happy boy? What if he's sad instead? Just a moment of musing...


_Well... this is pointless short story I wrote just to get it out of my head. I think it somehow reflects my mood and all... As I said, I had to write it for the peace of my soul and so here it is:o) It's strange and stupid and I don't know what else but you still can read it, can't you?:o) Please? Pretty please?_

_It's Max's POV. What if he's NOT carefree and happy all the time? Maybe, just maybe, he's completely different? _

_Em... yes. Of course I don't own anything. Well, OK, so those feelings MIGHT be my own but who cares?_

* * *

Why?

This is the question. The question I'm asking myself over and over again. I don't know why. It just pop in my head every now and then. It's like a plague, yes, plague. It's poisoning my mind, yet I still have no idea why.

You see? It's here again! That stupid question I'll never be able to find an answer for, I'm sure. "Why" here, "why" there... Such a simple word, everybody use it; they're asking for reasons and so am I. But I'm afraid no one will ever help me to solve this, solve my problems...

_What problems he could posibly have?_ Oh yeah, I know very well they're thinking this, everytime they see me. I can't really blame them, though. I DO seem like just-so-happy person, I know it too well; but in fact, I'm not. And no one noticed it, no one... Even it is so easy to figured it out! Sometimes - no, almost _everytime_ - I would catch myself in depresive mood, watching people around me - smiling, laughing - and I would always contemplate what's wrong with me. What's wrong with _them_? They proudly call themselves my friends so shouldn't they notice my sadness? At least once! Do I really want that much?

Oh, look, I'm pitying myself again. Great, just great. I should be able to handle it, to hide it deep inside myself and plainly ignore it, shouldn't I? Am I some pathetic whimp or what?

But I... I just can't do it! I'm tired of this... this... I'd say "hiding" but that's not true; I'm not hiding anything, in fact I think I sometimes show my real self _too_ visibly, but still no one want to see it. Why?

And here we are again - on the beginnig, with this annoying little question. But it must be this way, I can't avoid it, no matter how hard I try. So... why? Why am I being ignored? Why there isn't anyone who would bother to ask me what I want, what I need, what's going through my head? I'm always here for others to listen to their problems. Not that I'm complaining or anything! I like to help, I need to help, it's in my nature. But I'm only a human, too. Didn't they notice? I need someone to talk to from time to time like every other! But they don't see it...

I don't understand myself. It can't be normal. You see, I'm just happy, laughing with others and everything, and suddenly, without warning, all my happiness is gone. I'm switching mood every now and then. Yes, I'M moody, not even Kai is as moody as I am, but I can hide it well. It's not a big problem, actually, 'cause they want to believe I don't have my bad moments, so they don't see the truth. Lucky guys, they probably think that If you wish bad things away, they will disappear. But world doesn't work that way and sooner or later they will lost these ilusions, as did I.

Am I alone? Yes, I am. I have friends, right, but they cannot fight away that strange emptiness, that cold loneliness inside my heart. It's strange, isn't it? Why can't they? Just another question I'm not sure about answer for. I guess I'll have to leave it as it is.

Oh well, that's not heading anywhere. I have to stop this musing, it won't do any good so why to bother? But I must admit that I'm feeling little better, although really just little. Now, I think, I'll be able to act normaly again for some time, without sudden, seemingly unjustified outbursts - yes, it happened once or twice, when my frustration was too much for me. Maybe one day they'll notice. Or maybe I'll change... Maybe...

* * *

_Ehm... Is it confusing? Well, sorry for this but it's just the way it is. He is confused, so naturaly his thoughts must be slightly confused and confusing too, right? Oh well..._


End file.
